Are you familiar with the state of wanting to want? It feels miserable and heavy. Wanting to want is the annoying time before you can declare what you don’t want and get on with figuring out what you DO want.
Trying to want something requires effort, pressure, and constant self-judgment. It’s the long middle before change can happen.
So let’s dive into the idea of wanting to want: why we do it, where the pressure comes from, and how to get out of the spiral.
Once you get through this phase, real possibilities will open up to you.
Everything Made Sense Except One Thing
At a previous company, I was appointed to run marketing for the firm. I got the job by pointing out, repeatedly, that we hardly ever promoted ourselves and would need to fix that or everything would collapse. Fine, they said, go fix it.
I knew what skills were needed to do this well, and what I could not yet do. Marketing analytics, setting up funnels, user research – I had some pretty huge gaps to fill before I could take this on in earnest.
The upside was clear to me – I’d been talking about it for years. No one was blocking me from making it all happen.
But there was one problem: I didn’t want to run marketing. Except I didn’t know that yet. Because it was such a great opportunity, I devoted all of my emotional labor to trying to want the job.
I observed myself watching trash TV instead of studying promotion techniques. I investigated very fun immersive marketing projects rather than brush up on fundamentals.
I waited for desire to bonk me on the head and compel me to learn what I needed for the job. But it never did.
The Confusion Of “Good On Paper”
Has this ever happened to you? You see the goal sitting out there: a high-status job, or the next step in a field you’ve dedicated yourself to for decades. Maybe your current organization does noble work that helps lots of people.
But something is off. It’s not like you’d rather be doing something else. You worked hard to get where you are, but you’re feeling supremely resistant to taking action. Even feeling bratty about it.
You want to want to do the work.
And because this is a confusing place to be, you start to ask yourself, “What the heck is wrong with me?”
Other people start to notice and ask if you’re ok. You panic – you can see me?? Shame sets in and you try to argue with it. Just do the work! But you can’t.
The Self-Blame Spiral
I remember all the ways I diagnosed myself during the marketing debacle. The desire wasn’t there because I didn’t have the right wardrobe. Or perimenopause was to blame. Maybe if I started a gratitude journal? Surely I’ll remember that this is a great opportunity and I should just get on with it.
You might be punishing yourself for not responding “correctly” to a situation that should satisfy you.
All of that energy is going to your internal negotiations. And because you spend your time overthinking and underperforming, the job you’re trying to want might start to unravel.
Meanwhile, a background process is running that needs your attention.
The Cost Of Blotting It Out
Wanting to want requires suppression of something deep and true. But it feels risky to hear it, even from yourself.
You don’t want to do it.
The more you fight that idea, the more you escalate the fight with yourself. You already know that not wanting something isn’t a plan, doesn’t solve anything, and does not give you a replacement idea.
But it does tell the truth.
Think about relationships that last because both people are trying to want to stay. People go to couples therapy and slog away unhappily to fix a broken union. Confusingly, they get support for the slog from friends and family, who tell them not to give up on each other. That introduces judgement for abandoning a person, a system, and a community.
So they stay until one person finally calls it. That moment of honesty feels like destruction at the time, but it’s the start of an important transition that needed to happen.
If you’ve ever been in this situation, you’ve experienced the cost of staying while red flags were flapping in your face.
What You’re Afraid To Lose
So let’s get the risks on the table.
What would you lose if you admitted you don’t want this?
In my case, I was poised to lose status, approval, identity as a leader, and job security. I fooled myself into believing that I would put the company in a bind as they scrambled to replace me. (Guess what? They were fine – immediately.)
You might fear losing work relationships and a platform for your fought-for skills. That you’d be “throwing away” your experience, so you should just suck it up and keep going, waiting for desire to kick back in.
An extended stay in the “wanting to want” is often the fear of loss. We keep a toe in, and keep punishing ourselves because we don’t have a plan to replace what we’ll lose if we admit we really want to get out of there.
The real loss? Time. This phase drains your attention and vitality. It keeps you circling instead of listening for the voice inside you that is whispering what it actually does want.
When Performance Starts To Slide
Wanting to want can show up as declining job performance. So that you’re looking at the right thing, rule out other causes before drawing conclusions. There are three main reasons you might not be doing well at work:
1. You can’t do it – you’re constrained by ability or systems
2. You’re afraid to do it – fear of failure keeps you from trying
3. You don’t want to do it – you’re over it and want out.
Rule out ability and fear first. Then you can see if you’re in ‘don’t want to’ territory.”
Other signs you’re there? You take more sick days and find everyone annoying. You get support to improve your work but never take action. Look at your resistance. What is it hiding? Once you can name it, you’re closer to the truth.
Notice What You’re Fighting
Your past desire doesn’t obligate you to a future effort. Your current skillset doesn’t trap you into demonstrating it forever. If it isn’t working anymore, you can stop.
So here’s a question for you: what are you trying to want?
If you play around with a few answers here, notice which ones bring you a sense of relief. When you name the stickiest thing, do you feel something shift?
You don’t have to do anything with this at the moment. Just notice.
If you can name what you’re trying to want, it’s a quick hop to declaring what you do not want. The thing you’re trying to want is the thing you do not want.
You might not know what you want yet, and that’s ok. Naming what you don’t want is the first step. Say it to yourself first. Then, when you’re ready, say it out loud to someone you trust.
That lets you step away from heavy judgment and into the field of true desire, even if it’s a faint whisper. It’ll get louder.
Burn the map. Build what fits.
